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[Lampynoiseboy]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They asked "is this your wife sir?"
Shocked, I answered "yes, that's her"
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" the copper replied

"I know", said I, "but she takes it up the a*se & is very good with the kids so I overlook her appearance......"

[henryd]

The wife was asking me how many women I had been with,I said "do we really need to do this as I know it may upset you",she says "I'm not worried about that so just tell me".
I said "ok ,here goes  1 2 3 4 5 6 you 7 8 9 10 !!"
I was right,she did get upset

[b4ndit]

Her Kitty Stuttered
A teacher is explaining Biology to her 3rd grade students. She
 says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
 
A little girl raises her hand saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
 become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
 
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and
 the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our
 yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back,
 went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say
 Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.
 

[BiodieselOmega]

This may get me banned but...........



A builder walks into a room......a woman is on all fours in the centre of the room





She has semen dripping from her rear and from both corner's of her mouth






What doe's this tell the builder???















The florr's level!!

[Plomien]

A wife texts her husband on a cold morning: “Windows frozen.” He texts back: “Pour lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back: “Computer f**ked now!”

[Plomien]

My wife walked downstairs wearing some sexy new lingerie. “You like it?” she asked. “I bought it just for you.” “Ooh,” I winked back. “I hope it fits me.”

[SIR Philbutt]

 A woman brought a very limp duck
into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,"
replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room.   He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
 
 "£150!"she cried,
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been £20,
but with the Lab Report and
the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[Terbs]

The Traffic Warden’s funeral
 
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral
a voice from inside squawks:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, paperwork’s already done"

[Dishevelled Den]

A wife texts her husband on a cold morning: “Windows frozen.” He texts back: “Pour lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back: “Computer f**ked now!”

  Splendid.

[PhilRich]

The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car
and opening the driver’s door. They stopped and confronted
him.
“Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive this
car?”
“Of course I am, officer,” he slurred. “I’m in no fit state to
walk!” 

[PhilRich]

The traffic police flagged down the car.
“Excuse me, Sir, you’ve just hit four parked cars and driven
straight over the middle of the roundabout. It’s obvious you
are very drunk.”
“Thank God Officer, I thought the steering had gone on the car!”

[PhilRich]

The judge turned to the woman and asked, “I see you’re
divorcing your husband on the grounds that he is a slob and
uncouth. Can you give me any examples of this?”
“Yes, your honour. Whenever we go out he always drinks tea
with his pinkie sticking out.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with that,” said the judge. “It’s
considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with
the little finger sticking out.”
“Who said anything about fingers?” she replied accusingly.

[hotel21]

The Traffic Warden’s funeral
 
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral
a voice from inside squawks:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, paperwork’s already done"

Not many original ones left for me on these lines so, well done.    

[PhilRich]

The judge turned to the farmer and said, “Mr Brown, you
are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver,
for the awful injuries you sustained at the time of the
accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the time of the accident you
were heard to say to the policeman that you’d never felt
better. Kindly explain.”
“It’s like this, your honour” replied the farmer. “At the time
of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, and
seeing it was so badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over
to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he
shot them as well. So when he came and asked me how I felt,
I thought it was a good idea to tell him I’d never felt better.”

[PhilRich]

Instead of sending two convicted drug dealers to jail, the
judge decides to give them both 250 hours of community
service.
“You will work in a drug rehabilitation centre, explaining to
those poor addicts the evils of drug abuse. After your
sentence you will return to me with a full report of your
work.”
The two drug dealers carry out the judge’s wishes and return
to him at the end of their sentence.
“How did it go?” the judge asks the first man.
“I managed to get 31 people off drugs,” he replies.
“Well done, and how did you manage that?”
“I drew two circles – one large and one small. I told them the
large circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the
small circle was what their brain would be like after drugs.”
The judge then asks the second man how he did.
“I got 200 people off drugs,” he replies.
“But that’s staggering,” says the judge. “How did you manage
that?”
“Well, I drew two pictures – a small circle and a large circle.
I showed them the small circle first and told them that was
their arsehole before going into prison …”