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[JasonH]

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she said. "Get your own ******* blanket."

[JasonH]

There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.

One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.

The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

The England cricket team has officially beaten the Wuhan street market for the worst ever use of a bat.

Epstein and Maxwell. Love is - finishing each others sentences.

[henryd]

1.  When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
 
2.  When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
 
3.  In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency.  She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.  I decided I needed a girl with stability.
 
4.  When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
 
5.  When I was 30, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  I decided to find a  girl with some real ambition.
 
6.  When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
 
7.  I'm much older and wiser now, and I'm looking for a girl with big tits.

[JasonH]

6 Facts of Life




1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue..





















2. All idiots, after reading the first fact, will try it.














3. And discover that The first "fact" is false.




















4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.














5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.



















6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

[JasonH]

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

[Varche]

I wanted to win a competition for the best pun, so I sent in ten entries.

I thought one of them would definitely win a prize, but unfortunately no pun in ten did.

[JasonH]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their …!

5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damned floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hey? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb …?

[JasonH]

Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[JasonH]

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming BS stories

[78bex]

Our oldest asked me how it feels to be married 

So I told her to throw all her console games away & just keep her favourite one   

[JasonH]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.




The husband turned to his wife and said, Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you cant tell me anything that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.



She said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.

[JasonH]

A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together.

After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together, was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me?

The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house. I made a trip to town, saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work.

The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved our home; I guess I can't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. Was there ever another time?

The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die, but we didn't have any insurance. I made a trip to town, saw the doctor and you got the operation..

The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved my life; I guess I can't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either. Was there another time?

The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes!!

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

I went to the bank the other day to ask about a loan. I noticed the bloke in front of me in the queue was standing on one leg.
I asked him what he was doing and he said he was just checking his balance.


I,ll get me coat. 

[Mr Skrunts]

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"